Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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