i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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