Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize