The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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