I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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