When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
