I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
