You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Everyone says I win the strip club
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
