Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
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cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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