Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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