I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
