i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dignity is for republicans.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i think i just lost a toe
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
