hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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