I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
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Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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