I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
