Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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