he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
