I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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