apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i drank out of a bidet.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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