ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
