Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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