I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
