I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
