You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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