I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
