Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
