Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
