you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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