Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
