I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We need a shit load of segways right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
