i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
