Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
