Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
