I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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