Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
