my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this