Whod you bang
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.