I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo