I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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