My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
