Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
