can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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