you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
