Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
These tits shall not be calmed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
