I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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