ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
