I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
not ubering you a puppy
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
