yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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