what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
