I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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