He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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