Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
