So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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