I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
