It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
