How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
