When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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