I CAN MOONWALK!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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